In our relationships there are always times when our partner says or does something that is upsetting. The instinctive response is to get angry and lash back. Most couples will say that communication problems is their number one concern in their marriage. At the same time each person wants to be heard and understood. Here are tips that will help you deal with your strong emotions.
A. When agitated first focus on gaining control over yourself.
Breathe deeply from your diaphragm. As you focus on your breathing you are getting control back over yourself. The goal is to be able to think about how you want to handle this situation. When one is all emotion it is impossible to think clearly. The emotional response then is reactive. Another tool is to count to 30 or 50. Counting is cognitive and gets you back to being able to think.
B. When you are able to think again you can figure out how you want to handle the situation
Once you have calmed yourself so you can think you can figure out what you want your partner to understand. Then talk about the issues in "I" messages instead of "you". You puts the other person on the defensive and they can no longer hear what you are saying. They are busy thinking of their rebuttal. The goal for you is to stay in your own head and be clear about what is going on with you.
C. Stay in the moment
Handle the situation at hand. If you bring in past hurts and frustrations it becomes too large to handle. By focusing on being clear as to why you got worked up in this situation you can work
for understanding and solutions.
Here is an example. Connie was furious with her husband when he took a call from his x-wife,who is the mother of his son, and continued talking with her after they had completed specific planning re: their son. Connie had felt for some time that his calls with her were too long and his tone was too nice. This time she tried to handle her feelings differently.
1. Instead of reacting immediately she breathed deeply many times
2. Then she counted to fifty
3. Now she was able to think (when one is all emotion it is impossible to think)
4. She decided that she did not want to talk with her husband at that time. In the past she had
expressed her anger at him immediately
5. Because she was still angry she realized she had to take care of her feelings
6. She went for a walk
7. While on the walk she decided that she would wait till they were both calm and then she
would speak in "I" messages to let him know what upset her and work with him
towards a solution to this recurring problem
8. When Connie got home she felt a lot better and she was pleased with the way she had
managed her feelings.
Learning to manage oneself is fundamental to healthy communication in relationships. In relationships one has to constantly think on two levels - what is my part and how will that
impact my relationship.
For more tips and tools on enhancing your relationship please visit: http://www.growwithkristina.com and http://www.kristinavonr.com by relationship expert Kristina von Rosenvinge
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